Facebook official.

What is it about Facebook that makes everything seem more official? Is it that postings make our social lives more official by recording and broadcasting things everybody use to forget in two seconds?
Is it because it lets us track exact dates and times of small things that make the biggest impact?
I’m a details person. Details make life real. Take a concept like “breaking up with my first boyfriend after almost 3 years;” okay. Broadly, that sucks. Abstractly, that sucks. Everyone can tell that sucks from the general statement.
But what has really killed me is the details. More importantly, what’s killing me is how Facebook is creating new details. Like telling me exactly when I pushed my ex-boyfriend out of my life for good.

It was Wednesday night. I sent him this message:

This is just to tell you that I'm sorry for being such an emotional bitch at you. I handled things badly, and you didn't deserve any of it. I do miss you but I don't know whether I should actually say that or not. Anyway, it's there.
Happy post-ship and pre-regionals.

This morning, I noticed I had one less friend than I had the last time I logged in. When that happens, normally I either tell myself to not care (“I’m sure it’s just someone you don’t even know who’s cleaning our their friends box. Like you should.” I let my friend box linger) or do a quick check to make sure I didn’t piss off any of my favorite people.
I figured it was BF this time, but I confirmed it. Yep. Cut off.

It hurts. Why does it hurt? I broke up with him; it was my choice.
It hurts because I want to be the victim of the mean ex who won’t talk to me even to hear me say I’m sorry. Because being a victim is easier and feels better than feeling all this goddamn guilt. Because the whole time I was with BF, I would lash out at him and then hand him the decision about what to do with my own anger, frustration, and discontent.
I finally left him one too many post-breakup communications. I pushed him into being the one to cut our final ties because I was too weak to do it myself. Passive-aggressiveness at its highest/lowest art, my friends.
It had to be done. I did it badly and not really on purpose, but it’s done.
Although you don’t have to be Facebook friends to send a message to someone. Maybe Zuckerberg thought of this when he designed the message feature. It’s useful for reporters, though I promise on my love of writing’s grave that I will not contact BF anymore.

It’s official. Thanks, Facebook.